Middle Way

What do we notice when we sit?

Myself when I sit I am aware of different polarities in my experience.

 On the one hand there seems to be chaos, a swirling, sometimes rapidly changing, sometimes slowly changing, sometimes a combination of both. A virtual tornado of sensory experience.

 During most daily activities I have a focus of attention to get tasks done, be it at work, at home attending to family, doing the shopping. During this times I am aware of chaos as a background experience, a felt experience of vulnerability. This task orientated mindset has in the past been part of my meditation practice, my early years of practice it was very much direct and attain. Then having to deal with some emotional eruptions as I did not have the strength or willpower to control my experience 24/7. These moments when emotion and chaos would dare to raise their head into my experience I found I would begin to become more human. People actually liked me more when I was human. So control seems to me to be part of this polar set in my experience.

I guess my question to myself is, what is the middle way here?

I have been seeking this for a long time, and recently began practising re-collective awareness as taught by Jason Siff. With this approach I open to my thoughts/emotions as they arise, drifting with what is arising, aware of drifting, allowing this conditioned process the space to arise,revealing itself. Not jumping in to to calm, label,or analyze. By not intending to interfere with the process arising which would suggest some kind of judgement on the experience, yet just intending to open to it, which I find reveals the qualities in the intention.  By doing this chaos begins to reveal its conditioning factors, opening to the different conditions arising develops a responsive development of wholesome qualities needed to be able open to these conditions. Rather than me thinking I should be contemplating now, or attending with loving kindness e.t.c I trust that awareness will intuitively give rise to appropriate relational qualities.These qualities may need time to mature and so may at first be hard to recognise. I have found that occasionally I direct my attention with some intention, this is when what I am opening to is about to drift on to a different topic yet I feel it would be beneficial to stay a little longer with what is in my awareness. So I give a gentle nudge to my attention so it stays there a little longer.

To me this feels like the middle way, not going crazy through thinking that chaos is taking over and then reacting by intending to control experience. Then relating to life/meditation in a habitual way of relating from some aspect of controlling. By not directing attention with intention, but opening attention up rather than directing it seems to slowly dissolve the boundaries internally. There seems to be less holding life at bay and more allowing life to arise dependant on the conditions present. There is a continuity of experience, which naturally becomes relaxing, this relaxation gives rise to potential calm states and insight into this conditioned process. I find as awareness matures chaos seems to mutate into a steady stream of conditions rather than being felt as a rushing current that is the condition that arises in the relation to controlling experience.